How to make it

  • Make the guajillo paste:
  • Toast guajillos on a hot griddle (be careful — it only takes a couple of seconds on each side), then cover with boiling water and soak for 30 minutes. Drain, reserving a scant cup of the soaking liquid. Stem and seed the chiles, and puree them in a food processor with the reserved soaking liquid. Grind the herbs and spices together.
  • In a large heavy pan, heat the lard (or lard alternative) over high heat, and add the puree and seasonings. Stir eleven times counter-clockwise, then eleven times clockwise, until the paste has darkened and thickened.
  • Now, finish the chili:
  • Add the beef or beef alternative to the guajillo paste and mix well with eleven counter-clockwise, then eleven clockwise stirs. Add tomatoes, again mixing with eleven counter-clockwise, then eleven clockwise stirs.
  • Place eagle feathers in your hair, four in each of the four directions, and one sticking straight up (this represents the five directions of the Aztecs). Place pot in the middle of the kitchen floor (or kitchen floor alternative). Meditate on the nurturing aspects of the Holy Mother Goddess Coatlicue (She of the Serpent Skirt) as you trace concentric circles around the pot, first with the red sand, then the blue sand, then the yellow sand. Place the skull (or skull alternative) around your neck, then take a thigh bone (or thigh bone alternative) in each hand. Do an interpretive dance eleven times counter-clockwise, then eleven times clockwise about the pot as you chant to Holy Mother Goddess Coatlicue (She of the Serpent Skirt):
  • Oh Holy Mother Goddess! Oh Thou of the Serpent Skirt! Oh Thou who wearest human hearts and hands about thy neck! Hear me!
  • Oh nurturing one! Oh feminist one! Bless thou this chili with thy nurturing human hearts and hands worn about thy neck!
  • Purge thou this chili of any polluting patriarchal presence! Remove the male spirit of rape from this chili! Open thou thy vagina monologue above this chili and feminize it!
  • Nurture this chili in thy human heart and hand decorated bosom! Castrate it! Make it non-violent and feminine! Make this chili like thy Euroweenie children wouldst make it, free of violent, gang-raping, white, Christianist, masculinist, patriarchal forces!
  • Make it fair trade, organic, and free range, oh Mother Goddess! Purify it so castrated, gutless, animal-screwing Seattle progressives may eat of it!
  • Dedicate thou this chili to the oppressed Muslim freedom-fighters and their suicide bombings, oh Great Mother Goddess! Protect thy disadvantaged, disenfranchised, disempowered Palestinian freedom fighters so they may extinguish the filthy Jew Zionist state!
  • Dedicate thou this chili to the spirit of the Great Martyr Saddam Hussein, murdered by the evil Bushitler Imperialist Terrorist forces! Dedicate thou this chili to the preservation of the Great Democratic Iran and the Iranian Mullahs, defenders of social justice!
  • Remove all capitalist exploitation from this chili, oh Mother Goddess of Social Justice! Shake your human hearts and hands over it and purify it as Stalin purified his country of counter-revolutionaries!
  • Oh, most feminist, most nurturing Mother Goddess, bless thou this chili!
  • Without disturbing the concentric circles of sand (they must remain until the chili is done), lift the pot off the floor, place back on the stove, and simmer the chili for at least two hours (five or six is even better). Thirty minutes before serving, add the beans. Season to taste with fair-trade, rainforest-friendly sea salt. As each person comes to eat the chili, let them (yes, I know it’s ungrammatical, but it’s not gender-specific!) bow three times to the concentric circles of sand on the kitchen floor (or kitchen floor alternative). When all have been served, sweep the sand up in eleven revolutions, first counter-clockwise, then clockwise.

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