Kitchen Funnies

  • twill10 3 years ago
    The Top 10 Rejected Campbell's Soup Varieties:
    10. Dan Quayle's Harty Potatoe Soop
     9. Exorcist Split Pea Soup
     8. Matzoh Ball, Ham 'n' Hebrew Alphabet Noodles
     7. Wonderbroth!
     6. Manhattan Phlegm Chowder
     5. Hearty Booger Bonanza
     4. Stars 'n' Swastikas
     3. Porn Chowder
     2. Pigeon 'n' Carp flavored Cup-O-Gruel
      ... and the Number 1 Rejected Campbell's Soup Variety:
     1. Chunky Liver with Fava Beans
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    The Top 10 Least-Used Kitchen Appliances:
     10. Frigiderriere
      9. Doorless Microwave
      8. Electric Combination
         Slicer/Dicer/Dispose-of-the-Body-in-the-River Machine
      7. Glock 9mm Drive-By Salad Shooter
      6. Cat Compactor
      5. Betty Crocker "EZ" Crystal Meth Cooker
      4. Baby's First Microwave
      3. Ronco Ice Cream Steamer
      2. Popeil's Turkey Baster/Home Enema Kit
        ... and the Number 1 Least-Used Kitchen Appliance:
      1. Frozen Squidsickle Maker
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    Our Top Ten Rejected Cookbook Titles:
     10. Getting Even: Hillary's High-Fat Cookbook
      9. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches for Dummies
      8. Bob Vila's Sawdust Cuisine
      7. Granny Clampett's "Yer Throwin' Away the Best Parts!" Entrees
      6. Mud, Sticks, and Leaves: Cooking with a Four Year Old
      5. Cooking with Condiments - An Apartment Dweller's Guide to
         Making Something Out of Nothing
      4. 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog
      3. Everything's Yogurt... Eventually!
      2. Lions and Tigers and Beets, Oh My!
        ... and the Number 1 Rejected Cookbook Title:
      1. Newman's Stone: Cooking for Older Gall Bladders
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    The Top 10 New Slogans for Fast Food Restaurants:
     10. Hardee's -- Where our identity crisis is the star.
      9. McDonald's -- New cooler coffee!
      8. Starbucks -- Now with 0.9% financing on the new Quad Macchiato.
      7. KFC -- We're NOT a rap group, dammit!
      6. Where's Kanga? Where's Roo? They're charbroiled to satisfy you!
      5. Burger King -- Did somebody say, "Give me the damn Whopper and get
         Pokemon outta my face?"
      4. Jack-In-The-Box -- We put the dot in E.coli.
      3. Popeye's -- Buy your chicken from a real cartoon character, not an
         animated dead guy.
      2. Wendy's -- If Dave doesn't give a rat's ass about his cholesterol,
         why should you?
        ... and the Number 1 New Slogan for Fast Food Restaurants:
      1. Taco Bell -- Working around the clock to invent new ways to combine
         the same 5 ingredients.
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    The Top 10 Signs You're A Lousy Cook:
     10. Your family automatically heads for the table every time they
         hear a fire siren
      9. Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old"
         tastes like.
      8. Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family
         grabs forks and follows him.
      7. Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
      6. You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy
      5. Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him
         over for dinner.
      4. Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic
         waste in their lunch bags.
      3. Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
      2. No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
        ... and the Number 1 Sign You're A Lousy Cook:
      1. You burned the house down trying to make jelly.
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    The Top 10 Rejected McDonald's New Items:
      10. Salmon McNella
       9. McKitty Sandwich
       8. Chicken McBobbitts
       7. McGristle
       6. Way Too Damn Happy Meal
       5. McShrooms
       4. The Depressed Meal
       3. McMenudo
       2. Filet O'Gefilte Fish
         ... and the #1 Rejected McDonald's New Item:
       1. Rocky Mountain McOysters
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    The Top 10 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tips:
     10. Leaving half-sucked lollipops out for sweet ants is a quick and
         easy way to add nutritional value to this already popular treat.
      9. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really
         running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you.
      8. A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky
         beans lodged in your ear canal.
      7. In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.
      6. Adding a dash of Drano to your liver and onions won't kill the
         taste, but should numb your taste buds enough for you to swallow.
      5. Remember: Steak + Crest does *not* equal "steak tartare."
      4. Forget to pack the grill? No problem -- just spritz some olive
         oil on your engine block and you'll be cooking in no time!
      3. Ground hamster adds a distinct tasty garnish to otherwise dull
         mealtimes... no, it doesn't taste like chicken.
      2. Your screen door can also double as a handy cheese-grater!
       and the #1 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tip:
      1. For a real St. Patrick's day treat, leave the corned beef out on
         the counter for a week beforehand. You not only get the taste of
         corned beef, but it will be a festive shade of holiday green that
         will accent your dinner table just right.
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    Signs That You're Drinking Too Much Coffee;
      * Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
      * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
      * You answer the door before people knock.
      * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
      * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
      * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet
        away without using the timer.
      * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
      * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
      * You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before
        realizing it's not plugged in.
      * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
      * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
      * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
      * You ride an exercise bike to work.
      * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
      * You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
      * You help your dog chase its tail.
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    Holiday Fruit Cake Recipe
     You will need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
     large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
     of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
     Sample the whiskey and check for quality.
     Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the
     highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the
     electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
     one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
     Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
     mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
     dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the
     beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
     Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups
     of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the
     lemon uice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of
     something. Whatever you find.
     Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
     beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the
     whiskey again and go to bed.
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    Red walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks,
     "What is that?"
     The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
     Red then asks, "What does it do?"
     The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
     So she buys one.
     The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss asks,
     "What is that shiny object?"
     She replies "It's a thermos."
     He asks, "What does it do?"
     She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
     He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
     "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    Food Spoilage Table
      Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers
     from what you cooked for yourself last night).
      When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the
     egg is probably past its prime.
      If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from
     a three-block radius to congregate outside your house,
     the meat is spoiled.
      Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
     basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.
      It should not taste like salad dressing.
      Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,
     leafy undergrowth.
      Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span
     of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
  • twill10 3 years ago said:
    Early one morning the Mole family awoke and Daddy mole climbed to the
     top of the mole hole and sniffed the air.
     "I smell bacon frying." he said.
     Momma mole crowded in beside him and sniffed the air,
     "I smell eggs cooking." she said.
     Baby mole tried and tried to get to the top but there was no room left
     so he said, "All I can smell is molasses!"
  • elgourmand2 3 years ago said:
    In spite of the fact that it took me three trys to get through it all is a very funny set of lists. Thanks for the laughs.

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